Title: The Brothers Elric and the Philosopher's Stone
Genre: CRACK CRACK CRACK. This is a Harry Potter crossover.
Pairing: Light Elricest.
Rating: PG for language, and a lil' suggestiveness.
Warnings: General craziness, spoilers up to the movie, and spoilers for Harry Potter up to book 5, maybe further later. Vague bashing to a few parties, I guess. I've already mentioned that this is CRACK.
Notes: So, you thought you were safe from the crack stylings of Tomiko? No, oh no. I can't remember when I thought this would be really funny to do.
Decidedly, if the response is good, then I'll keep going. And this might come to some conclusion. So, uh, comment. Or else you might never see it again.
I feel cliche, if not scared.
Edward looks upon the English countryside with general annoyance. He has, of course, fucked up again by sending himself and his brother, more or less, 70 years into the future. He asked Truth to send him back to the other side of the gate (this is all paraphrasing: his real words were much more colorful and inappropriate for children) but ended up being sent into the future. Truth, he was sure, was wetting himself with laughter right now.
They ended up buying a ticket, using their vaguely good English, to Hauzenberg, Germany, the only train going to Germany. (It is better not to question how they got on a train without any sort of ID, looking like hippies in suits, and with 70 year old money.) The brothers figured that it was better that they resided in a country where they spoke the language, rather than adapt to England, which was honestly full of people with bad teeth and even worse slang. Not to mention the fact that Al had a constant fear of sheep.
Edward managed to finally get someone to point him in the right direction to his platform. Most people thought he was a creep, due to his mode of dress. The woman who stopped for him was strange looking, in a black velvet cloak and cracked glasses. She nodded and pulled the boys with her to a solid wall. She glanced back and forth, then pushed them into it, to both of the Elrics’ dismay. However, they ended up on a platform with a train, so they decided to take it.
That is how the Elrics ended up on a very strange train in England to Hauzenberg. However, they soon found out that it was not to Hauzenberg, but Hogwarts. The food cart came around, and the plump woman asked them, kindly, who the fuck they were. They replied that they were the Elric brothers. She said they looked a little old for Hogwarts. Alphonse, without giving their true identity away, asked about Hogwarts, because he didn’t know much about it. She replied that it was a fine school, a wonderful school for little witches and wizards.
Alphonse and Edward thought that she must be joking. However, not much surprised them anymore, due to the fact that most of their lives consisted of impossibilities being disproved. They decided that they would talk to the headmaster of this school, find a way to Germany, and forget any of this ever happened.
They arrived at the station, were herded along with short little children. (It is not worth wasting words to explain Edward’s reaction, but to those who are otherwise unaware: euphoria.) They then managed to speak with one of the higher ups. (Who Edward deemed the Tight-Ass Old Lady. Alphonse smacked his brother’s shoulder, only hoping that insubordination wasn’t a crime worthy of execution around here.) They were then sent to an office to meet with a very old man with a white beard, who resembled what would have been their grandfather.
“Well, you two seem to have penetrated our school. A very hard thing to accomplish from a muggle.”
“What the hell is a muggle?” Edward asked, ready to be insulted.
“A non-magic person...please excuse me, but this is very awkward. This has never ever happened,” he explained. “I am Albus Dumbledore, you may call me Albus.”
“I’m Edward Elric, this is my brother Alphonse,” Edward replied, almost as a challenge to the man, though the competition still unknown.
“Sir, I think it would be best to tell you our circumstances, seeing as this is a really odd situation. My brother and I are from 70 years in the past, from another world. We were alchemists there.”
The man’s eyes lightened at the word alchemist.
“Well, well, well. Why don’t you try your alchemy right now? Maybe it works,” Albus asked.
Edward rolled his eyes, clapped his hands, and placed them on the desk. It transformed into a wooden lion.
Alphonse was gushing with happiness.
“Brother, brother You know what this means? We can use alchemy here. This is so cool, wow, I can’t believe it!”
Edward replied, equally elated, “Yeah, I know! It’s been so long, too!”
Albus gave them a look, and then asked them if they would teach an alchemy class.
It wasn’t rocket science. And even then, Edward knew that.
A sullen boy with black, messy hair and glasses sat at a table, two of his best friends sitting next to him. One was a girl with brown, frizzy hair, and the other a freckled redheaded boy.
The young boy with black hair sighed.
“Really, you think I could have a normal life aside from saving the world. But no, I have to have a convict godfather who I might never see again, an abusive family, and I have this pimple that hurts like all hell on my neck. C’mon, Ron, you have to agree with me.”
The redheaded boy, now obviously being Ron, replied, “Yeah, I gotta agree. Your life sucks.”
The frizzy hair girl whipped her head around with a snappy reply, “You should really be more sensitive. It’s just not nice to go about telling people, especially Harry, that their lives suck They can figure that out themselves ”
“Hermione,” said Harry, “I was asking for some empathy, not a cheering session.”
“Oh, wait, look, Dumbledore is back He’s going to make an announcement!” Hermione squealed. The boys gave each other a look.
“Well, students, I have very, very recently added a new elective to our list. We will now be offering alchemy classes, taught by two very brilliant, young alchemists, the Professors Elric.” The aformentioned brilliant, young alchemists walked to the table, sitting at two recently conjured chairs. Nearly every girl in the room started chattering. The taller one leaned to the shorter one, whispered in his ear, and they both grinned, giggling a bit too.
“You all can just call me Al, and him Ed; Professors Elric is too confusing.” Alphonse said, standing up, then sitting again. Many of the girls started giving googly eyes and flirty waves or winks.
The Elrics were not in any way impressed.
Edward and Alphonse were being lead to the staff dormitory by some cranky old man with the grossest hair that Edward had ever seen. Even Envy’s dreadlocks had been less disgusting.
“Well, here’s your room. It’s only got one bed, so I’ll go get one of the staff t’conjure you one,” he said.
Alphonse replied, with all the cheer he’d ever had, “Oh, that’s fine with us. We don’t need two beds.”
The man gave both boys a strange, strange look.
“We can, um, make another bed with alchemy, no worries!” said Edward in frantic hope to cover up his brother’s mistake. The man shrugged, and left the boys to their devices.
“Smart one, Al. They probably don’t care for our type around here, y’know. I don’t think that time has made our...relationship seem any better to society.”
Alphonse had a look that was just the definition of adorable guilt. He decided to attempt to wipe the look of guilt by pushing him onto the bed, straddling his lap, and giving a very suggestive smirk in his general direction.
“So I guess you aren’t mad?”
Edward bounced and giggled like a small child.
Ron and Harry found Hermione the next morning signing up for alchemy. It already had a surplus of names, many of them girls, but a few boys, too.
“You’re taking that class?” Ron said, wrinkling his nose. “It’s taught by a couple of pansies.” Hermione glared, but proceed to her reasoning. “Alchemy is an important subject, and I believe that it’s worth studying. It’s not just magic, but a science.”
Harry and Ron, then, in a moment that lacks any characterization, signed up for the class.
If one were to classify the sort of people that signed up for Alchemy, it would have to go under “shallower than most puddles, when evaporated.” This is of course using a very bad metaphor, but it expresses the point.
Edward gave his little brother a meaningful look at the twelve girls doing their make-up, upon entering. There were other girls, obviously the nerds and geeks, and approximately four boys. Edward stood in front of the class, and with all the eloquence of a high school tech teacher who’d obviously spent a dubious amount of time in college, yelled, “Welcome to Alchemy, bitches!”
Alphonse felt his head collide with the blackboard.
“You’d better get some paper out, ‘cause I’m going to explain some important shit to you all.”
The students, obviously jostled by his language, pulled out parchment, ink, and quills. Alphonse looked at the quills and ink with confusion.
“You use ink and quills at this school?”
“Yeah,” replied a bespectacled girl.
“Why don’t you use pens?”
There was a glint in the girl’s glasses. “Why would we do that?”
Alphonse wondered if this girl would turn him into a toad or a newt, or bake him in an oven. He turned to his brothers, tears coming to his eyes.
“Bro-ther, I want to go home! These people scare me.” Edward sighed at his complaints, replying, “If they scare you so much, then threaten to transmute their faces.” He turned back to the class. “Okay, number one law in alchemy: equivalent exchange. In order to gain, one must give something in exchange. This isn’t your willy nilly magic where you can make things pop out of thin air.”
“Then what’s the point of alchemy?” screeched one of the girls who’d been doing her make-up.
“Shut up!” screeched back the insane Professor Edward.
Harry looked upon their proceedings with disinterested interest. Ron was drawing obscene pictures of both professors in dresses, because it was funny. (However, what young Mister Weasley did not know was that the dresses bit had already occurred in a hilarious set of events involving Roy Mustang, newly waxed floors, a chicken, and the Officer’s Ball.)
Harry looked at his friend of the female gender, and whispered, “What the hell is this? Alchemy is just science to the extreme, spelled with no e. Who needs that, I have a magic wand!”
Just at that second, Edward made a point that would stick: “Because of equivalent exchange, human transmutation, or raising humans from the dead, is nearly impossible. Not only is it a giant taboo, it makes homunculi, and I hate dealing with those.”
Then, Harry hatched a plan that was not only stupid, but also very hilarious because it involves human transmutation. We can only hope that it doesn’t take up over fifteen manga volumes, fifty-one TV episodes, and a full length movie.
x-posted a la fm_alchemist and elricest