Title: The Brothers Elric and the Philosopher's Stone
Rating: PG-13 for language and suggestions of ess ee ex.
Chapters: Chapter one
Pairings: light Elricest
Genre: THIS IS CRACK PARODY. Don't look so surprised.
Notes: I think this chapter wasn't very...cogent? Is that the word? But I always feel that way. Hope you all enjoy it, and I'll say it a zillion times: comments = love. If you want to see it, if you don't want to see it, if something annoys you, let me know. Oh, and if there are errors, it's probably because of WordPerfect. It transfers into LJ weird.
In front of Hogwarts, a storm rolled in, along with a stranger. Said stranger had long, spiky dreadlocks that had a powerful stench, and what appeared to be a sports bra and a skort. There was also a strange image of a snake eating its tail inked in red on the stranger’s thigh. The sky crackled with thunder when the stranger laughed maniacally. He was walking towards the castle as it started to rain.
“Water...thirty-five liters...ammonia, four liters...phosphorus, eight hundred grams...Ron, are you getting all of this?”
Ron sighed, having to take all of this down like he was Harry’s chore horse. Or something like that.
“Why the hell do you want this recipe for chocolate chip cookies, anyway?”
Harry whipped his head around, glaring with the might that can only come from a protagonist’s teenage angst. He yelled, “BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT.” Harry continued his list for his friend who was obviously being used, but who cares because he’s the protagonist.
“Fluorine, seven point five grams...silicon, three grams...”
Harry planned his path to regaining his parents, thus resolving all his problems, except for the part with Voldemort and all that shit.
Alphonse was not new to the fact that his brother was a nuisance, a procrastinator, and a...Alphonse couldn’t think of a word that said “horny” eloquently. Of course, this is very difficult when aforementioned nuisance/procrastinator/thing that begins with “horny” is licking your ear and trying to get into your pants.
“Brother, I’m trying to get the lesson plan ready. You could take this job seriously,” said Alphonse, smacking Edward’s hand away from his belt.
“And I could get some. Really, I know all of this, I can do whatever I fucking feel like.”
Alphonse had a nervous look: he liked doing a good job of things, whereas Edward took to doing as little as possible and still get the money. It was probably a bad idea to tell Edward that he acted a lot like Roy.
We ask readers to give about five seconds after acquiescing for Alphonse to be thrown upon the bed with a smirking Edward. It’s only reasonable.
“Now, students...” started a grinning Edward, “Symbols for transmutation are usually very complex and involve a lot of practice in drawing. I’m sure you all know by now of the elements...”
Harry was plotting away at his desk, as per usual. He’d already read most of the textbook and had started reading a few books on biological transmutations. Hermione was too entranced by the androgynous beauty that was Professor Alphonse, simultaneously envisioning their wedding. Ron was napping, using the alchemy text as a pillow.
Harry whipped his head up, hearing his professor’s command.
“Yeah, you. What does this alchemic symbol mean?”
Harry stared at the symbol.
“You haven’t taught us that one!”
Edward felt a migraine coming on, but artfully dodged the retort: “What the hell are you reading?”
Blood was draining from Harry’s face faster than something really fast.
“The Magic School Bus,” Harry replied. He hoped it would work.
“Wrong answer!” Edward snapped. Hermione raised her hand at that moment.
Hermione ignored her nickname and asked a rather good question: “Where is Professor Alphonse?”
Edward raised an eyebrow. “I think if you listened to the narrative you would find out.”
The narrative decided to be very helpful at that moment and point out that Alphonse was speaking with a gratuitously flirtacious girl. Rather, “being cornered by” is a better phrase for it.
“Oh, that was rather helpful,” said Hermione.
“And the moral of the story would be I hate you and read pages one hundred to one hundred fifty,” Edward shouted to his class.
The five students who actually took out their books put them away for the day. Edward leaned back in his chair, realizing a minute later what was happening to his brother, thus falling out of it.
The brothers decided that if one thing was unpleasant, it was discovering that their plates of food specifically caused a nasty stomach flu. They suspected it was the Nasty Man who’d shown them their room the other night and currently suspected them of being gay lovers/brothers. (Not necessarily brothers, as most people suspected they were as they are brothers. I mean, come on, no one is that dim. Except maybe the Nasty Man.) Both were walking to see Professor Snape to get an antidote for their stomach flu.
Edward was surprised (read: horrified) to find out that the dungeon walls were slimy when a nasty stomach turn hit him. Edward was also extremely surprised to find Envy held in the arms of some slimy, greasy old man, who was not in fact the Nasty Man, but Professor Snape.
“Okay, hold up, I thought you died!” Edward yelled at the homunculus.
“Come now, Edward Elric. I didn’t actually die. With a plot this unstable, I could have risen from the dead as a girl with split personalities,” Envy drawled in his gender ambiguous voice. “However...” he continued, changing from his drawl to something akin to a whistling kettle if it could talk, “I found my real daddy!”
Alphonse, for the first time in what had to be many, many years, yelled, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT.”
Edward tried to do the calculations for this, having to figure out how Dante would have been able to bear the child of a man who lived in a different world and born way past her death. It calculated out to “Yay, he’s not related to me!” and “YOU’RE ALL MORONS.”
Alphonse, amazingly due to his mind numbingly painful ailment, stood up and faced what used to be his sort-of-half-brother. “You mean to say that after all the fanfics where you rape Brother which were so called incest, being some huge kink for fans, you’re saying you aren’t even related?”
Alphonse pointed at him, then stated: “We’re taking this outside.”
“Okay, Al, I think it’s really nice that you’re standing up for my honor and all, but I’m not a fucking girl. If I was really angry about this, I’d beat him my–“
Alphonse interrupted his brother, “No, you’re MINE. I’m not taking some guy doing my brother because it’s incest and then WHAT HAPPENS? HE’S NOT ACTUALLY RELATED.”
Edward was feeling vaguely out of place, well, forget vaguely, but anyways...he wasn’t used to being treated all girly-like. He couldn’t decide if it was really hot or just plain annoying.
Envy was at the other end of the field, ready and waiting for the first blow. Alphonse shed his shirt, which caused a chemical reaction in the brains of many girls within walking/squealing distance to congregate at aforementioned field.
“This is the ultimate showdown...of ultimate destiny / good guys, bad guys, and explosions...as far as the eye can see...” sung one of the girls. Another girl looked at her with utter distaste and said, “Jeez, Lauren, you’re out of our cleek.”
“Megan, it’s pronounced click,” said yet another girl.
“Shut up!” yelled Megan.
Right then, at that very moment, with those prophetic words that really weren't so prophetic, the fight started.
Then the fight ended. Alphonse had his bare foot on Envy’s chest, both of them breathing heavily. Recently-exiled Lauren sung, “Yahoo watashi wa kataze!” but sadly fell into a coma after a copy of Final Fantasy X-2 Super Girly Edition was thrown at her head.
Edward swooned with absolute sexiness of having one’s honor defended.
Then Hermione came up to the professors and asked a very good question: “Why exactly were you guys fighting?”
Edward spoke to his pupil honestly: “Because your mom.”
Snape bent down to his bleeding offspring, then said, “Let’s get you to the infirmary...Son.” Envy’s eyes glistened with tears, have never known the love of a father. It was a tender moment for the newly found bastard son and father. Edward looked upon this scene when he felt bile rising.
“Oh sweet mother of–“ Edward vomited in the middle of his sentence.
“Well, I guess it’s time to drag you back to the room and claim you as mine,” chirped Alphonse.
“Oh joy. Can we at least wait until I’m done being sick?”
Reference notes for the ignorant-
Chemical listing: This is the chemical composition of a human, if you don't remember it. They say it in the series.
Magic School Bus: Oh man, I so stole that from Dom at Megatokyo. Deprived children: it's a show/book for children about science things.
Click/cleek/clique thing: This is just because I used to say it "cleek." But then my sister told me that it's "click." So yeah.
Ultimate Showdown: This is a popular web thing, and if you don't get it, search for "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" on Newgrounds.com.
Yahoo watwashi wa kataze: This if from Final Fantasy A+ which is also on Newgrounds. If you can't be bothered, it translates to, "Yahoo, I am victorious," and is sung to the tune of the Final Fantasy battle end song.
Final Fantasy X-2 Girly Edition: FF X-2 is Final Fantasy with dress up and singing. So yeah, my point.
x-posted at fm_alchemist and elricest